Here are some things that you wish you would never had said – or wish were never said by someone else – or perhaps should never be said by anyone in this line of work
Technician: You’re just going to feel a little prick
Technician: Right, put this in your mouth and suck on it
Paramedic: Right, I’m just going to put my hand up your top to get to your boobs
4) When dealing with a 21 year old with abdo pains. An ‘older’ lady, approximately 45 years old sits next to him offering him support. The paramenace behind me looks at her.
Paramedic: Is this your mum?
Woman: No, I’m his girlfriend!
5) The first time I tried to put the seat belt on a very large patient.
Binder: Right, I just need to put this seat belt over you . . . oh, it doesn’t reach
Binder: ‘cos you’re too fat . . . I mean too large . . . overweight, sorry . . . um, I mean I think the seat belt’s broken that’s why.
Patient: . . . !!!
6) When checking an old female patient’s legs for signs of DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis)
Technician: Hmmmm, I bet this is the first time you’ve had a man between your legs in a long time eh luv.
7) When concentrating on a patient who’s about to give birth
Father (holding wife’s hand): Is the baby going to come out ok?
Technician: I reckon so . . . you’re wife’s got quite a large vagina so there shouldn’t be any problem
8 ) When I was first on station.
Colleague: So, does your partner climb also?
Binder: Yeh, we like to get out as much as possible
Colleague: Does he climb better than you?
Colleague: Your partner
Binder: My partner? . . . I’m not gay Tom*. My partner’s a woman
Colleague: **going red** . . . erm
9) A patient is on the trolley bed with chest pain and the wife is sitting anxiously beside him.
Wife: Is he going to be ok?
Paramedic: Don’t worry yourself my dear, he’s going to be fine
Crew mate: . . . . erm, he’s just stopped breathing
10) A couple in their 30’s are on the ambulance. The woman has just given birth to a 20 week old deceased foetus. The woman is in tears and her partner is barely holding it together to comfort her. In the attendant’s seat is a very young and naive university student paramedic doing her paperwork.
With an unemotional voice and without looking up from her writing she utters her practised lines;
Student Paramedic: Try not to upset yourself my dear – it’ll all be OK.
*not his real name of course