Here are some things that you wish you would never had said – or wish were never said by someone else – or perhaps should never be said by anyone in this line of work

1)  When taking a  from a patient.

Technician:     You’re just going to feel a little prick

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2)  When trying to explain to a female patient how to use .

Technician:     Right, put this in your mouth and suck on it

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3)  When explaining how we’re going to do an  to a young lady with chest pain.

Paramedic:       Right, I’m just going to put my hand up your top to get to your boobs

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4)  When dealing with a 21 year old with abdo pains.  An ‘older’ lady, approximately 45 years old sits next to him offering him support.  The paramenace behind me looks at her.

Paramedic:       Is this your mum?
Woman:            No, I’m his girlfriend!

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5)  The first time I tried to put the seat belt on a very large patient.

Binder:             Right, I just need to put this seat belt over you . . . oh, it doesn’t reach
Patient:             Why
Binder:             ‘cos you’re too fat . . . I mean too large . . . overweight, sorry . . . um, I mean I think the seat belt’s broken that’s why.
Patient:             . . . !!!

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6)  When checking an old female patient’s legs for signs of DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis)

Technician:      Hmmmm, I bet this is the first time you’ve had a man between your legs in a long time eh luv.

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7)  When concentrating on a patient who’s about to give birth

Father (holding wife’s hand):    Is the baby going to come out ok?
Technician:                                  I reckon so . . . you’re wife’s got quite a large vagina so there shouldn’t be any problem

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8 )  When I was first on station.

Colleague:       So, does your partner climb also?
Binder:             Yeh, we like to get out as much as possible
Colleague:       Does he climb better than you?
Binder:             Who?
Colleague:       Him
Binder:             ‘Him’?
Colleague:       Your partner
Binder:             My partner?  . . . I’m not gay Tom*.  My partner’s a woman
Colleague:       **going red** . . . erm

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9)  A patient is on the trolley bed with chest pain and the wife is sitting anxiously beside him.

Wife:                 Is he going to be ok?
Paramedic:      Don’t worry yourself my dear, he’s going to be fine
Crew mate:      . . . . erm, he’s just stopped breathing

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10)  A couple in their 30’s are on the ambulance.  The woman has just given birth to a 20 week old deceased foetus.  The woman is in tears and her partner is barely holding it together to comfort her.  In the attendant’s seat is a very young and naive university student paramedic doing her paperwork.

With an unemotional voice and without looking up from her writing she utters her practised lines;

Student Paramedic:     Try not to upset yourself my dear – it’ll all be OK.

Binder

*not his real name of course