“You can feel it going . . . go on, have a feel”  She said through streaming tears and gritted teeth.

I placed my hand on her tiny stomach and sure enough, I could feel it . . .

BZZZZZZZZ – BZZZZZZZZ – BZZZZZZZZ – BZZZZZZZZ – BZZZZZZZZ

“Wow!”  I said, genuinely impressed.  I looked back up at our patient and smiled . . . not that this helped in any way.  You see, our patient had managed to get a vibrator stuck up in her rectum – and it was switched on at full speed.

She was in a tizz.  Tears were streaming down her face as she fought off the vibrations from within and attempted to bear down to force “it” out.  Every now and then her hapless “partner” received a flurry of abuse and bore the brunt of her frustrations.

“You ARSEHOLE Pete*!!  Super strength batteries!???   Super strength batteries!!??  Why’d you have to use SUPER STRENGTH FUCKING BATTERIES!!  Oh, GOD!!!”

We stood there slightly bewildered and somewhat superfluous to the poor woman’s plight.  Every time we’d try and calm her and make her as relaxed as she possibly could be – under the circumstances – she just burst out into a torrent of abuse aimed at her partner and then repeated another attempt at trying to get the vibrator out.

“Can you help me?!”  she pleaded, squatting down and reaching round with one hand, “I mean, it’s not going to go anywhere else is it?”

“No, I don’t think so,”  I said,  “you just need to relax more . . . sort of, let nature take it’s course”

“I’ve drunk shit loads of the Colace, do you think that will help?”

“Um . . . ”

“Look,”  she went red in the face as she bore down extra hard,  “. . . I’m sure . . .  I can nnnnng . . . get it out, can you . . . Peter!  PETER!  PETER, you BASTARD!!”

Peter’s muffled response came from within one of the cupboards, “What?!”

“GET THE FUCKING CRISP-N-DRY!!!  I think I can . . . ”

“Look,”  the other FRU interjected, “I think it’s best we just pop you up the Hospital eh Tara*.  We’re not getting anywhere here are we.  And I think it best a Doctor has a look yeh?  Especially as you say Peter put in super strength batteries”

“Hospital?!  Oh god no!”  In between gritted teeth, a red face and streaming eyes, Tara gave us all a wink and a smile,  “I bet you lot are loving this aren’t you!”

“No, no.  Of course not Tara”  We all shook our heads theatrically.

Tara sighed deeply as if resigned to her lot,  “Right . . . come on then! Let’s go”

So, with a little assistance and a muffled BZZZZZZZ – BZZZZZZZ coming from her bellie we helped Tara onto the ambulance and left the crew to it.  The Hospital were simply going to love this one.

Binder